March "MADNESS," a devastating loss...

Well, this March may well go down as a month I want to forget. Claire and I were sick for almost 3 weeks at the end of February. Claire got better and I was still struggling. I had one day where I just couldn't take it anymore and I dragged myself to the Little Clinic at the grocery store because my throat and ears hurt so much. The nurse said I had strep, sinus and double ear infections! I got on some antibiotics and started to feel better within a few days.

Friday, March 11th was honestly the first day in 3 weeks that I felt a little better, so I was heading to the Denver Zoo with Claire when I got a phone call from my father-in-law. I could tell he was upset and he proceeded to tell me that my brother-in-law Ken had died that morning. I think I asked Allen to repeat himself, because I just couldn't even process what he'd just told me. I pulled off of the freeway and asked a few questions. It just didn't make sense! I had texted with Ken and talked with him just 3 days before and we had plans to do to dinner and a talent show Fantasia was competing in the very next night. What in the world happened?!? I just couldn't believe it. Allen needed to get ahold of Dan to tell him, so I told Allen I'd turn around and head up to Ken and Sky's house right away. Then, it all came flooding in... Ken was gone! I just lost it and sobbed all over my steering wheel. Poor Claire asked why I was crying and how do you tell a 3 year old that her Uncle Ken just died? This was the first of many time today when I would be so grateful for Claire... I told her that we couldn't go to the Zoo because we needed to drive up to Ken & Sky's and she replied, "Okay Mommy. Don't cry. It's okay."

I texted Dan then got back on the freeway. Dan called me a few minutes later. Writing this now, a week and a half later, my stomach begins to hurt all over again. Crying with Dan on the phone that morning was just heartbreaking. I wished we were together and we both had a long drive until we would be. On my drive, my thoughts and concerns were for Sky and her 2 girls that had called Ken "Daddy K" for the past 2 1/2 years. I was also trying to make sense of why Dan's family had been through so much loss and devastation. Dan's oldest brother Donn had died in April of 1999 at the age of 29, we lost our first baby Chase in May of 1999 and both of Dan's grandparents also died that year. Now, losing Ken at age 44 seemed like too much...

I arrived in Loveland around 11 AM and Dan had been there for about 20 minutes already. The crime scene investigator and police were there as were several of Sky's friends and neighbors. We sat down with Sky and Fantasia and heard what had happened. I had a good talk with Tasia and told her how brave she had been and how much Ken loved her. She left with a friend, who would watch her for a day or two. Sky was absolutely devastated. Dan & I listened to her, hugged her and cried with her on their front porch. Everyone else had gone and we just sat and talked about how much we'll miss Ken. Talk wandered to funeral arrangements, financial obligations and what's next... All the things you never, ever want to plan for someone you love. I love that Sky said she loved Ken, even with all his issues. She was so good for him! I am so very glad they had each other!

The whole day just felt like a bad dream. Dan, Claire and I sat with Sky and tried to think of what we could do to help. I'll never forget how loving and sweet Claire was with all of us that day. She kept hugging Sky and stroking her face and hair. She was so patient and seemed to somehow understand both our need to cry and our need for hugs. Dan went to get some lunch for the 4 of us and I went to the grocery store with Claire to get Sky some groceries. When I was checking out, the clerk cheerfully asked, "How's your day, sweetie?" and I just tried to hold it together long enough to get outside with the groceries, so I could cry in the car.

I have some amazing brothers-in-law but Ken was my favorite. He would just call me out of the blue to catch up and check on our family. I'd get texts from him that would say, "Thinking about you guys. What's up?" He was genuine, warm and always fun to talk to. He had been doing so well the past few years and meeting Sky and being a Dad to her girls had seemed to give him such purpose. Dan and I had such high hopes for him! Looking back now, we feel that moving to Colorado when we did and repairing our relationship with him and making great memories was WHY WERE ARE HERE. I am so grateful for the holidays, birthdays, camping trips and time we spent with Ken and his family!

I started making a file of pictures of Ken to share with family. At first, I could barely look at pictures without breaking down. As the file on my computer is filling up with evidence of all the fun times with Ken, I am filled with such gratitude that we are here, that Ken lived and that he was such a huge part of our lives...