Chase's 10th "angel day"

(Above): My sister Lisa and her kids visited Chase's grave for Memorial Day. Thanks, Lisa!!!

May 28th, 2009: 10 years ago today Dan & I lost our baby, whom we named Chase Daniel. It seems like forever ago to me! I can't believe we would have a 10 year old! I am missing him so much today, as always, but I'm also at peace knowing that he's in a good place and knowing that Dan & I have grown so much from that experience.

Chase was born with the rare genetic disorder Trisomy 13. He had so many physical problems and couldn't breathe without a ventilator. I had an abnormal Triple Screen AFP test at 17 weeks, then had numerous ultrasounds, but refused an anmiocentesis. Our baby was diagnosed with "failure to thrive" and a heart defect, but we hoped for the best. I had told Dan at about 3 months along that I felt that something was wrong, but he reassured me that it was normal first-time-Mom worries. I was placed on strict bed rest at 26 weeks for pre-eclampsia (toxemia), and was hospitalized at 29 weeks for the duration of my pregnancy. My Dad and my Father-in-Law both gave me priesthood blessings where they both blessed us with "peace to accept God's will" for our child. Chase was born by c-section on May 28th, 1999 because he wasn't moving much and my blood pressure was 190/140, despite 4 days of magnesium sulfate to keep it down. Dan and my Dad were in the OR with me and after he was born, it was chaos all around. My Dad would leave, then come back and give me a report. "Cleft palate. Apgar of 4. It's a boy, not a girl. He's not breathing on his own..." They wheeled me in the NICU after my c-section to see him. Chase was small, but had beautiful strawberry blond curls, just like his younger sister Ashlyn. No one imagines their first baby with physical defects, hooked up to machines and struggling to survive, yet when the nurse handed him to me, his heart rate slowed and he calmed down. It's hard to remember too much else because I know I was in shock. It all happened so fast. Should we keep him alive or let him go? Would we want an autopsy? Dan and I kissed him and said goodbye. He died in my arms. I remember asking Dan, "Is he gone?"

We held a small graveside service 4 days later at a breathtaking spot in the cemetery right by my awesome Papa Hack's grave. I have never seen a casket so small. I still remember everyone who came to support us that day. It was so bittersweet, to feel so loved and so sad at once.

10 years later, my perspective has changed a bit, but strong impressions remain:

*That my Heavenly Father loves me, hurts for me and sends "peace

that defies all understanding" at times.

*I feel absolutely blessed to be the mother of such an amazing spirit.

*It is devastating to watch your husband sob in your arms and not be able to heal his pain, but together, we made it through. No one understands exactly unless you've been through it.

*There will always be a little ache in my heart, a longing for familiarity

and a sense that our family is temporarily incomplete.

*Families are forever. Time does not "heal all wounds," but each day is a day closer to our reunion.

*Living children should be cherished and nurtured. They each have a reason for living, a mission to complete on Earth and I'm so blessed to have my angel Chase and my 3 Earth angels too!